Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
