Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
