Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
