This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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