im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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