Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
