I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
