This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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