I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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