Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you inspire me to be a worse person
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
