i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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