My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We don't watch enough power rangers
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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