Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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