Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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