I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
