Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
