last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you didnt know i had herpes?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All the doctor said was why
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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