my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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