What did we do last night that was yellow?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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