You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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