I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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