i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
