How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
