Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
