I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm both gender and math confused
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
