Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dicks are not precious.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
