i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
