i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
