there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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