Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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