If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
