shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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