You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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