I am puke
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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