Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
