Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
