She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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