It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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