Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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