I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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