Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My cat gives me a boner
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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