I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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