my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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