I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
