glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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