I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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