My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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