He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
