Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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