The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment