I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?