I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji