Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.