I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
