he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
