im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
