There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
