I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
